Hi👋🏽 I’m Kat. I help navigate difficult conversations and teach women how to negotiate on their own terms. Welcome to my version of a newsletter where I’ll be reminding you how to be kinder to yourself. You may listen (above) or read (below). You’re doing great, sweetie. Remember you’re all you have. So welcome and thanks for being here.✨
If you’ve heard me speak at events about best ways to manage conflict, you’ll inevitably hear my very sagely advice: start with self-reflection. I know what some may be thinking. It sounds very hokey. Who has the time to reflect or deep-dive into layers of one’s psychological makeup in the middle of an argument? The time to self-reflect is obviously not when you’re feeling attacked. Though with practice, discerning between an outright offensive attack versus a bruised ego will come easier so you’ll know when a situation warrants an appropriate fight response.
Where self-reflection comes critical is that turning point right before a dispute could go better or worse. Have you ever seen those commuters who start arguing out of nowhere as if someone just lost something precious like their pet? And you know what happens next when two angry strangers go bump in the subway cars. They start hurling insults. Then come the violent threats. And soon after it gets physical. I am often intrigued over these public outbursts because almost always the real root of the outburst is never intended for the person on the receiving end.
A few years ago, a lady stopped me on my tracks in Midtown because she found it obscenely offensive that I didn’t thank her for opening a door for me. It’s hard to notice when you’re shuffling your way around other busy New Yorkers while listening to the beats of Lizzo. Admittedly, I too get annoyed when it happens. It’s like, damn how hard is it to show some gratitude. But then I remind myself, did I do a good deed for the validation or recognition? Am I really so insecure that I want a stranger to acknowledge my good deed and show me the courtesy I think I deserve? Or can I do something nice to someone unnoticed without expecting anything in return? Does it really matter or affect me whether I get a thank you or not?
And for the record, I did say thank you. She probably didn’t hear me in the bustle of commuters. Or perhaps she wanted a handwritten thank you note. Whatever it may be it really didn’t matter anymore because my less than enthusiastic appreciation of her gesture triggered something in her. To her I was simply the “ungrateful bitch” who she “will never open doors for next time.” She thought it was worth her energy to berate a complete stranger, which to me feels like a waste of time in her day and should carry no bearing in the grand scheme of her life. Yet there we were. Her castigating me in the middle of Grand Central as if she just caught me cheating on her son at our wedding. Most of us are like this lady more often than we’d like to admit. On our best days, we brush off minor tiffs. But on our off days, we believe everyone in the world is out to get us.
The actions we take within a split second during an altercation could decide how the rest of the interaction plays out. And depending on how well we know what triggers us, the better equipped we are in predicting what comes next. We can’t control others but we have full control over ourselves. We can either take the situation as a personal attack or simply move on with our life.
You might think, well what if they’re causing the problem. But what if you are? What if you are the one obtusely carrying your problems into the situation?
Most of us in the world today are walking time-bombs waiting to implode at the next inconvenience. We carry with us all our issues every single day. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we punish ourselves by holding on to things that do not serve us wherever we go like precious cargo? And why do we allow a separate isolated problem to dictate how we feel and react to all other subsequent yet very unrelated situations. It’s true that some of us carry very real problems but the reality is our thoughts, reactions and feelings are our own responsibility and it’s not other people’s job to manage them.
Self-reflection is an ongoing, day-to-day, critical, honest assessment of ourselves. It’s not something we do once in a self-care, wellness camp or a yoga retreat. Though sign me up for all of that. It’s a lifelong, consistent practice. We carry so much internalized burden in our daily lives on top of our adult responsibilities that we need a healthier way to interact with the world around us. We need to learn to stop projecting our frustrations and lashing out at the next viable person who accidentally shoulder-bumps us on 6th Ave.
We need to reflect on what sets us off in any given moment. The more we know ourselves the better prepared we are at facing difficult situations the next time they arise.
xx
Kat✨
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