Hi👋🏽 I’m Kat. I help navigate difficult conversations and teach women how to negotiate on their own terms. Welcome to my version of a newsletter where I’ll be reminding you how to be kinder to yourself. You may listen (above) or read (below). You’re doing great, sweetie. Remember you’re all you have. So welcome and thanks for being here.✨
As we step into the remaining half of the year, now is the perfect time to reassess our goals: personal, career, fitness, or social goals. There’s something to be said about universal milestones experienced across our shared humanity. One country’s independence (yesterday’s ❤️🤍💙). The start of a new year. And of course, the halfway mark into the year following a global pandemic. These milestones are good points in life that encourage us to pause, even for a moment, to reflect and check-in on ourselves. To see how we’re carrying on. Are we happy? Are we satisfied? Are there things that we wish we can have but haven’t been able to obtain?
Although I do believe that everything is possible, I will not be the one to say that maybe you’re just not trying or working hard enough to make those dreams come true. Because in reality, some of us are working harder than others but can’t seem to catch a break. Rather, I am here to remind you that while anything is achievable, there are two things we need to remember: first, is that things take time. And second, we have to believe that we are worthy and capable of getting the life that we want.
For many of us (myself guilty here), we expect overnight successes. That’s just not how it works because part of the lesson (or all of the lessons in life) is about the journey. The destination is that beautiful add-on that we get to enjoy at the end. It’s that glorious reward for simply being a participant.
When I speak of the life that we want, I really mean the values that exist in the life that we want. For many of us, we're chasing after big careers, awesome dreams and outrageous wealth that we’re forgetting to ask the question: why do we even want this? What is missing in our life that we’re failing to satisfy on a daily basis that we believe accomplishing (insert the mega goal here) promises us (insert value that we believe it satisfies). We pursue things in life to either supply that missing piece or replace a broken one. We often associate these external attainments to our joy and personal fulfillment when in fact these are not often even really related. Let me clarify that of course we want material things. That comes with the joys of the human experience. To seek things that are pleasurable while we live our lifetime. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a comfortable or luxurious life. I think where it gets muddied is often our expectations. Or the attachments we put on these material things.
Once we satisfy our basic survival needs, we move towards acquiring higher levels of needs like a sense of belonging, love and esteem. But it’s often when we get to these higher levels when we mistake a lot of our needs for our wants. I mentioned a while ago the concept of the hedonic treadmill, which (forgive this reductionist version) states that if you’re unhappy before you acquired your riches and ungrateful on your way to success, you will stay ungrateful and miserable once you do have it. Because once you mistake your needs from wants, it will feel like nothing is ever enough.
If we’re dissatisfied now, what makes us think achieving our goals will bring us our sense of joy? It’s like expecting a partner, once we find them, to be our source of happiness. Because what if they are unable to give us that - would the fault be on them? Are we really going to put all our contingencies on our dreams, goals or loved ones to create our happiness? What if they don’t? Are we simply going to remain unhappy? Because we know deep down, once we attain them, we’ll keep wanting more. There’s nothing wrong with desire but if our sense of joy becomes attached to them, then it simply means our joy will always remain out of our control.
I will always lust after a life of more comfort and adventure (I know these seem paradoxical but I assure you they are not). Like a lot of socio-economically independent women, I have the freedom to thirst for passion and pleasure, which is frankly why I choose the life I live so I can meet these cravings. But on a deeper level, I know my happiness is a state of mind - whether I attain these pursuits or not.
We will always have desires and wants, but we don’t need these to be happy. We can’t depend on our external environment to make us a happier individual. It needs to come from us. We are our own source of joy. And if it’s more happiness, love, freedom and excitement that we want out of life, then we need to create it ourselves for ourselves.
Our goals, dreams and loved ones are fleeting (nothing is forever) but they will serve as a great complementary reminder about the gifts that we have been granted and must appreciate everyday. It’s the added bonus, that free dessert or extra side dish accompanying the main course at your favorite restaurant that is offered to those who are simply here, for being an active participant in life.
So, good luck, friend and create the life worthy of you between now and the end of the year.
Kat✨
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