Note to self #2: Show compassion.
Behind every ‘difficult’ person, is the burden they carry.
Hi👋🏽 I’m Kat. I help navigate difficult conversations and teach women how to negotiate in their own terms. Welcome to my version of a newsletter where I’ll be reminding you how to be kinder to yourself. You’re doing great, sweetie. Remember you’re all you have. So welcome and thanks for being here.✨
We all have a different threshold for what warrants a problem in our world. Problems come in different magnitudes from a macro perspective such as climate change, the refugee crisis or, hello elephant in the room, this pandemic. Then there are problems which revolve around our micro day-to-day realities. As humans, we often forget that everyone has at least one. A dilemma of the past, much like an origin story that explains so much about every single one of us. Even the worst people in our eyes have stories that trace back to a past ending in grief, disappointment or pain.
It’s easy to assert that people are just innately awful. Although I am convinced there are some who indeed are but for the most part, I don’t think this is universally always the case. Like most people, you think I would be jaded. Throughout my life, I’ve been surrounded by rough-around-the-edges type of bosses, teachers, coaches, coworkers and clients who could easily be classified as ‘difficult’. Some terrifying, some terrorizing and some just plain terrible. I guess you could say I grew thicker in skin over the years. Those experiences taught me to stay above the fray and to handle grace under pressure despite hostile emotional outbursts from other people. I guess that’s what years of training with ‘difficult’ people do to you. I’m sure a degree in conflict resolution helps. And because I learned to work with such ‘difficult’ people and even garnered their respect, I eventually earned a solid reputation for my diplomacy. In the past I have been dubbed the “bitch whisperer,” (not my words) and have often been called to help “tame the beasts” when tempers start raging. When asked how I manage difficult people, I give people my humble answer.
That answer is I don’t. And I don’t try. I don’t manage ‘difficult’ people per se, I manage the context of the environment in which our relationship exists. There is often this misconception that people are the problem. People are not always the problem. People have problems. And often their problems, very much like yours, manifest in very different ways. One of which is how it shows up in your relationship to them.
What helps me everyday is this basic premise: we all carry some sort of burden for simply being alive. I believe this is an agreement we made to be part of this human experience. It comes with trauma and pain just as it comes with joy and love. And it just so happens some of us carry our burdens better or differently than others. And the best way to relate to ‘difficult’ individuals in these situations is as simple as how you like people to relate to you in times of crisis. With compassion. Imagine all the times you wish someone could have offered you empathy during times when you needed it the most.
Showing compassion reflects our humanity to others. Does this mean you condone bad behavior? Of course not. It simply reminds you that people are people just like you. Fragile, vulnerable and scared, with scars and wounds that had never really healed.
Compassion is not easy to practice. We’re human after all so our ego is wired to take everything personal. But I would like to believe that we have come far in the evolutionary process that as intellectual beings we are much more equipped to comprehend our world beyond what’s in front of us. In other words, we know there’s more than what meets the eye. For instance, contrary to our filtered lives, there’s an unspoken narrative behind each gram. Behind the opinions, posts, stories and reels is our identity asking to be validated by our peers. Just as behind every ‘difficult’ person is someone seeking to have another human being validate the existence of their experience.
Yes, there are people who appear to be, by their very nature, evil and inhumane. Murderers and sexual predators to name a few. And I am not enabling the idea that we allow others to willfully mistreat us for the sake of practicing compassion. There’s a distinct red line between the intently malicious and someone simply going through a challenging time. And dear ladies, please know that you can have compassion for loved ones, men, or bosses without staying in a toxic relationship and/or environment. Acknowledge the story behind their behavior. And move on. Don’t be a martyr. Always choose yourself above all else.
According to scientists, compassion is contagious just as everything else among human adults is contagious. Kind of like this virus, I guess? Or when your friends start wearing pink on Wednesdays, so you start wearing pink on Wednesdays. In that same vein, if you show compassion, people around you will follow suit. On a physical level, compassion stabilizes the heart rate and produces the happy/love hormone, oxytocin. This explains why a lot of unhappy people are often the meanest bullies and trolls. Ultimately, compassion also encourages that feeling of connectedness even with those particularly different from us. We humanize the ‘other’. It is even argued that compassion can be genetically passed on to your kids. So maybe if we’re all kind enough to each other, the future of humanity will have less of a burden to carry than their ancestors. Less prejudice. Less violence. Less hatred.
If showing compassion for others is hard, then perhaps you can start showing more compassion for yourself. Because if you can’t even do it for you, you probably struggle showing it for others. Hopefully, when you do, it will naturally vibrate to all those around you.
❣️On this note, let’s take a moment to meditate on the tragedies of recent events: The rise of hate crimes towards AAPI communities, which increased by 150 percent this past year, and the ongoing fight of our BLM friends and marginalized neighbors. It comes with a heavy heart as we reflect on the victims of any heinous acts against humanity and anything that may be perpetuated in the months to come.💔 Now more than ever, our compassion for each other is critical. Remember we all have a choice whether to take personal responsibility for the world we live in or to standby in complicit silence.✊🏽✊🏼✊🏿✊🏽✊🏻 We don’t live in isolation. What happens to one, happens to all. To reiterate, everything among human adults is contagious. Let’s not think so little of ourselves and underestimate our individual impact. Let hate and fear stop with us and let’s start looking out for each other from a place of love and compassion.💖
Be kind to one another. The future of humanity depends on it🙏🏾
Stay safe out there💕
xx
Kat✨